Sense of Slipping

There was this moment of clarity facing Meltzer in the tub at Harmony Lodge, the clouds peeled back and revealed this bright world, in his face.. I was suddenly aware that I have been lost in the murk for an eternity. The memory of that moments intensity.. and my words, begging for help? Is fogged, there is only the sense that it occurred, the other side was glimpsed and confirmed, and is there, but I am back in the labrynth which mistakes itself for the world and all there is. It is constantlly being posed to me that there is a choice, freedom, and a fleeting opportunity to make a choice to change my destiny.. and I can't tell what the choice is, through a chorus of seperate voices, requests.. the choice would be toward unity in love, not cruelty or violence or fear/flight. But how is that reconciled amongst all the seperate, conflicting parts? If 5 loves approach, do I choose or try to embrace them all and hope they melt together? That's been my plan so far. On one level, it seems the most important, serious moment of my life, on another, part of a game which is bound to end in delight. There must be a grey area.. or, it is all these thing, together.

There have been helpful moments in meditation.. seeing my physical self in a small corner of my mind, suggesting that the physical self is a small part of who I am. Feeling another presence, or intricacy of mind, which may be closer to my true self. A sense that I can think til I turn blue but the answer isn't going to come that way. A sense that the answer is what it is and will come regardless of what I choose. A sense that a crucial choice approaches which gives me the opportunity to escape a cycle of darkeness and decay, that I may miss. A sense that anxiety must be abandoned because it won't help no matter what the choice/outcome potentials. So, be at peace, follow my instincts toward what is right, and do not turn away from love. And ask questions among those who may know.

Letting Go

Today it feels the course necessary is through abandonment of ego attachments, understanding that isolation creates a burden on others, those dependent upon me are not necessarily so, such imagings may be more selfish means justifying an existence which drains rather than supports others. Being responsible to and giving all that I can of myself to others creates no real benefit in this world, except to introduce a pattern to my consciousness that can be applied on a truer plain, as soon as I have the courage to enter there.

This is the plain which begins with dissolution, which has been calling (to my deaf ears) many, many years.. and is screaming to me now. To refuse this beckoning, would be to cling to such a complete, conscious and selfish madness, and require such a clear committment to work against all love and goodness, it would be the ultimate condemnation of self to oblivion or hell. It is now clear and I can no longer believe that if I go over here to stay warm, alone, the rest of my days, it hurts no one. I know now I am not alone, though it is like a habit that still calls.

Intervention for the last 5 years has been more clear and intense than the other years (though I now see it has always been there). Opportunities and challenges to become strong abound, challenges to take a weaker path have always won. These choices are laid out before me as a banquet offered to a wandering, homeless, villain.. solely by the grace of god, which is love. It's true form I do not know, but the manifestation here is clear to me now. My intention is to change and purify the essence of my manifestation here, from the base to the pure, and to find peace and courage and acheive reunion with a community once known by my higher self, who I have forgotten in a sea of weakness and sin.

Sin: I understand now the bible is true as parable, and these truths have always reached to me, and I have always mockingly and fearfully cast them aside. I still fear losing favor with my parents, or others, by admitting an openess to God. It is time to understand my heart is the only leader here that is worth following. This journey ends, and another begins, with this knowledge. I will practice it here, until it is time for that to change.

Also, torn between the belief that I have no control, and I have all control. Perhaps the control is over the actions I choose, faced with circumstance. The circumstance, mostly, is not in my control.

Books from the library today: Celestine Prophecy, Bible, Old Path White Clouds/Living Buddha Living Christ-Thic Nath Hanh. Started this journal today which needs to be used continually; and took out pencils and paints. Advice of artist Alex Grey, and many others, to lose myself in something greater than myself, an expressive, creative path, activities which are shared with others. Actions which can help make a difference in the world.

Actions today: bring hat to Tim; Jeanne to eye doctor; library; paint houses across street for dad; work on interior door trim; call and talk to people on the phone: share. Take things out of basement and give to people who might enjoy. Meditate. Read about raja yoga.. choose a daily meditation course.

I feel the imminence of my personality/ego/illusory physical form dissolving, and hope to make ammends for past transgression, and set a precedence of peace, love, responsibility and joy within, to carry into my existence, whatever form it takes, in another realm.

Sometimes I feel the imminence of dissolution, and while it seems to be filled with peace, love and joy.. I fight it out of fear, panic, and in contemplating it later, hold onto out of love .. or cling to out of fear.. the beings that bring me comfort on this plane. Which is where I started. There is no sacrifice there. Most likely another false assumption, or lie, the losing of which will bring me closer to letting go.