Sense of Slipping

There was this moment of clarity facing Meltzer in the tub at Harmony Lodge, the clouds peeled back and revealed this bright world, in his face.. I was suddenly aware that I have been lost in the murk for an eternity. The memory of that moments intensity.. and my words, begging for help? Is fogged, there is only the sense that it occurred, the other side was glimpsed and confirmed, and is there, but I am back in the labrynth which mistakes itself for the world and all there is. It is constantlly being posed to me that there is a choice, freedom, and a fleeting opportunity to make a choice to change my destiny.. and I can't tell what the choice is, through a chorus of seperate voices, requests.. the choice would be toward unity in love, not cruelty or violence or fear/flight. But how is that reconciled amongst all the seperate, conflicting parts? If 5 loves approach, do I choose or try to embrace them all and hope they melt together? That's been my plan so far. On one level, it seems the most important, serious moment of my life, on another, part of a game which is bound to end in delight. There must be a grey area.. or, it is all these thing, together.

There have been helpful moments in meditation.. seeing my physical self in a small corner of my mind, suggesting that the physical self is a small part of who I am. Feeling another presence, or intricacy of mind, which may be closer to my true self. A sense that I can think til I turn blue but the answer isn't going to come that way. A sense that the answer is what it is and will come regardless of what I choose. A sense that a crucial choice approaches which gives me the opportunity to escape a cycle of darkeness and decay, that I may miss. A sense that anxiety must be abandoned because it won't help no matter what the choice/outcome potentials. So, be at peace, follow my instincts toward what is right, and do not turn away from love. And ask questions among those who may know.